Rest

In my quest for joy, I have discovered how much I long to just rest. I don’t mean that I need a nap or some deep breathing; I need emotional rest. I need the ability to just let go and have someone else be in charge. I am just so tired of always having to be the one in charge.  

I could make you a list of all the physical, emotional, and spiritual labor that has been on my shoulders for most of my life, but those are things I took charge of because no one else was going to. There were things I could have let slide, but I wanted what was best for my kids and I honestly didn’t know how to let go of things that weren’t my responsibility. Right now, I just want to get off my chest how much I have desired to just rest and trust that someone else will step up when I can’t. 

I have never in my adult life been able to trust that things will be taken care of if I don’t do them. From moving out on my own just before I turned nineteen, twenty-three years of marriage, and now back on my own, I have had to be the planner and fixer of all things.  

I would love to have someone take me on a trip that I didn’t have to plan. I would love to be taken care of when I’m sick. I would love for the house repairs to get done without me having to do them. I would love for someone to have dinner ready for me when I get home from work or to have help planning important events or to just bring me some tea in the morning on my days off. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have good friends and two boys that occasionally do some of these things for me. I just wish I could have lived my life with someone who longed to do those things for me. Someone who wanted to take care of me and allow me to be the just the Woman and not the Everything.  

I know that my ability to be what I need to be to get things done and to take charge when necessary is a trait that has served me well in my past. It has made me strong and able to survive and even thrive in circumstances that were very difficult. But there are definitely days that I am just tired emotionally and the thought of all the things I still need to do is overwhelming.  

I do wonder what it would have been like to have had a partner who led my family spiritually, supported me emotionally, and physically took care of the things I couldn’t. Someone who genuinely wanted to take care of me and keep me safe. I know I don’t NEED that, but it sure would be nice to have someday.

For now, I just try to remember that just like my peace and joy, my rest is found in God. He has always taken care of me, always provided, and always turned the negatives into positives. The plan He has for me will be much more fulfilling than anything I may have wanted in my past or even want now. He knows the desires of my heart that I can’t yet even acknowledge. The desires that will bring me the peace, joy, and rest that I long for.  

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. -Matthew 11:28