So, what did my last post have to do with my inability to trust? It definitely was not an attempt to bash my ex, just explain my thought process. As I’ve said before, I did my fair share of wrongs to cause problems in the marriage. No one is perfect. I also did more than my fair share to try to fix it.
So, this is where I really begin to struggle with trusting others. I made numerous efforts to be heard, I tried to repair things alone that I didn’t break alone, and I prayed and begged God to open the heart of my then husband. I cried, I screamed, I sobbed, and I pleaded to no avail. My ex wasn’t listening, he wasn’t hearing me or maybe he just didn’t care about how much he hurt me. This is where I learned my hardest lesson that I’ve ever had to learn. People who claim to love you can hurt you so badly you feel broken beyond repair, and they won’t do anything to help you heal.
I spent half my life with a man who claimed he loved me, who promised to protect me and cherish me. Instead, he chose to hurt me in small ways and very big ways. I trusted him implicitly. So, how do I ever trust someone again?
I understand that my lack of trust is not unwarranted, but it is very much unwanted. I want to believe people when they tell me they care about me, but I struggle with that voice that reminds me of the pain I went through. I want to have faith that a friend will be there when I need them, but my past says there’s a chance they won’t. I don’t want to build walls, but the slightest sign of someone turning away from me adds a brick. It scares me. I don’t want to be rejected by someone who tells me they care.
I know that only God will never fail me and that ultimately my trust is in Him. I know that He loves me unconditionally and I don’t ever have to worry about Him hurting me. He was all I had at times when things were hardest. It took me a long time to realize that, but I do know He never left. I just struggle that the relationship that was meant to be an earthly example of Christ’s love for us was instead the most painful experience of my life.
There are days I still want to find that and then there are days that I’m just happy to not be in the middle of the mess anymore and can’t imagine trying again. I’m assuming one day I’ll feel ready for that relationship, but I know I won’t get there if I can’t let go of that negative inner voice that questions others’ intentions. That voice that doubts if I’m good enough to be loved for exactly who I am, flaws and all.
So, for now, I’ll just keep working on the layers, peeling back each one, as I try to silence the doubt. The doubt that really has nothing to do with me doubting others, and everything to do with me doubting me.
My soul, wait in silence for God only, For my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be shaken. Psalm 62:5-6