It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. In all honesty, things have been really hard and really good. I finished my twelve step study at my church’s Celebrate Recovery program. It took over a year and is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, but I learned a lot about myself and my relationship with God. I definitely better know who I am and who God says I am. Those two things have never been in sync for me and caused me a lot of heartache trying be what I felt I needed to be for anyone to love me, including God. There’s still a lot of things I need to work on, always will be, but I now know I am not alone in my battles.
I’ve felt like I’ve gone through the majority of my adult life without someone. I never really felt like I had someone who had my back and I learned to deal with my hurts and problems alone. This step study forced me to open up to my small group and realize through all my mistakes and faults, there are people who love me just as I am. They don’t need me to be perfect or better, I’m accepted and loved right now- faults and all. I can’t say enough about what a wonderful feeling it is to know that there are women out there who know the worst parts of me and still love me. I wish my marriage could have been that kind of safe haven.
The trauma I have gone through may not be as bad as others, and it may be worse than some, but it is still what I went through. The worst trauma you can go through is your own. Mine was incredibly painful and hard to go through just as yours is for you. So don’t minimize your pain and push it down just because someone else has it worse, you still need to deal with it and work through it, but DO put it in perspective. There will always be some who have it worse than you and some who have it better. Thank God for both of those things. Thank Him for only giving you what you need to grow and turn towards Him. Thank Him for making sure that what you endure is what you need to rely on Him instead of man or yourself. He knows exactly what you need to call out to Him. He doesn’t give us too much or too little.
I have decided to take a break for a bit from my Celebrate Recovery group and focus on my youngest son. This year will be his senior year in high school and I want to make sure I don’t miss anything. He needs to know he has someone on his side and he’s not going through his pain alone. I was lost for a long time and walking around in a fog, I know I wasn’t a very present mom for a couple of years. There have been some very hard years for my boys and they are still dealing with a semi-absent father. He just doesn’t choose them first. This past Father’s Day was the last one before my youngest graduates high school, and he missed it. So far this year, he’s missed my son’s junior prom, his graduation from Boys State, all band concerts and track meets, and even his birthday. I know things could be worse for my son, and so does he, but that knowledge doesn’t make his pain any less.
We all have trauma. No one gets to escape this life without it. Be there for your friends, your family, and those you love. Don’t let them go it alone. Be there for the good and the bad even if you have to make some sacrifices to do it. Make sure they know they are loved and supported and that someone has their back. You might be the only one who shows them that.
The Silent Abuse 