Self-Deception

My intuition has always played a huge role in my decision making and my trust in others. After my ex-husband’s affair, I no longer trusted my intuition. I no longer trusted myself. The years of gaslighting and lies he put me through had me confused and no longer trusting what I knew to be truth. I would still get my gut feeling that something was wrong or I was being lied to, but I couldn’t trust that feeling. Fast forward nearly seven years and I still questioned if I could trust myself. 

I had a friendship that I thought I could trust. About a month ago, I began to get that same sinking feeling in my stomach that pops up when I know things don’t seem honest and truthful. I went a few weeks with this sick feeling that my reality was different than what I was being told, but I couldn’t trust that feeling. Due to the prior manipulations of my ex, I doubted and questioned myself. It was a horrible feeling to not be able to trust what my intuition was screaming at me. One week ago, I knelt beside my bed and prayed and cried out to God to please show me if I could trust what I was feeling. I begged him to let me know if I was being lied to or manipulated again. I wanted absolute truth in knowing if my friend was trustworthy. I desperately missed being able to trust my own feelings and I needed it confirmed if I could or not. That night, I got my confirmation. It was hurtful and sad, but at the same time I found a joy in knowing that I could trust me again.

Because of what I had gone through in the past, I had told myself that my instincts were not good and that I was easily deceived by them. I lied to myself for the past seven years, telling my heart it wasn’t trustworthy. I lied to myself during my marriage because I thought what I most wanted was to save it, and I had to lie to do that. I lied to myself the past few weeks, believing someone else over what I knew was the truth.  By lying to myself, I was telling God that I couldn’t trust Him, I couldn’t trust the feelings He was instilling in me. We all know lying is a sin, but what does lying to yourself do to God’s plan for you?

“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve.”  Jeremiah 17:9-10 NLT

Our human hearts are easily deceived. We will tell ourselves lies to protect ourselves from the hurt and damage we’ve caused others, and we lie to protect ourselves from the pain we cause in our own lives.  The longer we tell ourselves lies, the easier it becomes to believe them. The more we believe them, the further we get from God and His perfect plan for us. A heart transformed by God will be led by truth, not lies. Living with a Godly heart will allow us to be honest to ourselves and to others. We will live in the reality of who we are and what we have done, so we can change to be the person God designed us to be. Rather than telling ourselves that we are good, everyone else is the problem, and that we haven’t done anything wrong, facing the truth allows change to occur and become the person our hearts truly desire to be. Until you are real with you, you can’t make changes. 

How do we transform our hearts? What does that even mean? Well, it begins in our mind.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 12:2 NLT

Transformation begins with listening to God, spending time with Him, and obeying Him. When we spend too much time following man and doing what man says is acceptable, we lose our connection to God. Our minds can be fooled by others, and our hearts can be fooled by ourselves. The only solution is to allow God’s words to take precedence in our minds and allow those words to change our hearts. His word is always truth. If what others tell you goes against that word, it’s a lie. If what you tell yourself goes against that word, it’s a lie. Fill your mind with the truth God speaks and your heart will follow. 

Let’s breakdown Jeremiah 17:10 a little more. There is no lying to God. We can lie to ourselves and to others, but God knows the truth. He knows all the lies we tell ourselves, even the ones we have buried so deep we now believe them. There is nothing we can hide from God, and eventually He will make those lies come to light. We are put here on earth for His purpose and without His purpose we are nothing. When we are so focused on believing our own lies, we miss out on His truth and His perfect plan for us. So, while we may think our lies are believable, there is ALWAYS one who knows the truth. 

So, where does lying to yourself get you in life? Well, as long as you continue to be the same person you will get the same results. The dreams, goals, and plans you make for your life can’t be achieved until you face your own reality, acknowledge your sins, and allow God to change your heart. The scripture above clearly states that God will give you what your actions have shown you deserve. He longs to give you the deepest desires of your heart; He longs to fill your life with joy, but if He can’t because of your own deception then He will let you earn your own path. Again, you were put here for His purpose, and if you don’t allow your heart to be transformed for His purpose, then He can’t use you. 

The joy we seek cannot be fulfilled without Him. We can find moments of happiness, but never true life-changing joy without living in honesty with ourselves and others. That joy is only found in being truly You, the You you’re meant to be, the You God created you to be.