I don’t know that I’m ready to find what I’m looking for. I know this sounds strange, but I don’t really know how else to put it.
Today my pastor preached on being lukewarm and it’s had me thinking about it all day. I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m living lukewarm. I know I have in the past when I lost myself and couldn’t feel anything- neither hot nor cold, neither love nor hate. But I don’t feel that way now. I don’t feel lost, I don’t feel unloved. I have very deep feelings about many things, people, and plans. I just don’t feel ready to have them.
I want to find my purpose in life; I want to find out exactly who God wants me to be, but I don’t know that I’m ready yet for that undertaking. I want to find a relationship and love like my parents had, but I don’t think I’m ready yet for that commitment. I want to make a plan for my future and begin working towards that goal, but I don’t think I’m prepared yet to begin thinking about it. My life has been such a roller coaster this past year, that I can’t even imagine something falling into place and me just accepting and trusting that it will remain in place.
As I process how I feel, I think that as much as I don’t want to, I’m still living in fear. The unknown of the future doesn’t scare me, it’s the past that does. I know that whatever plan God has for me will be wonderful and so much better than anything I can imagine, but my fear of the past keeps me from truly accepting it won’t all just fall apart.
I feel passion, I feel love, I feel hurt, I feel fear, I feel excitement, and I feel sadness. I’m not lukewarm in my dedication to Christ, I’m lukewarm in my dedication to me, which is keeping me from His plans. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like myself and it scares me because being me was not enough before. So, while I am excited to feel like me again and feel much more comfortable this way, I do get scared to wholeheartedly commit to it. It’s like I’m stuck in this middle ground where I feel safe from the pain of the past and not yet committed to my future.
Don’t get me wrong, life really is great now. I have learned so much over this past year, so I can’t really be lukewarm, right? I don’t think there’s growth with indifference and I have definitely grown, but I’ve reached a season of reflection and I need to work on accepting myself again and not self-sabotaging my future. I can’t go back to the coping mechanisms of the past that made me feel safe because that’s not me anymore. That person that needed those was just a shell I created to survive and I am not her anymore.
I have to be me. I have to be who God created me to be. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing and my past does not define me and I do not need to fear it. I need to live in each moment and build my confidence and trust in those moments and not the ones from the past. My future is not lived by the woman I was, it is lived by who I am today.
I am very excited to see where my life goes, what I do, and where I end up; I just don’t feel ready for it yet.
The Silent Abuse 