In just one week, I will have been divorced for a year. It’s been an exceptionally hard year and a really great one. I don’t know how both those statements can be true, but they are.
I’ve had to let go of so much this past year- my desire to keep my family intact, the man I married (or more accurately, the man I thought he was), my beautiful and courageous mom, a few friends, my idea of what my future was going to look like, and my idea of what my boys’ future would look like.
I’ve willingly let go of many more things- my need to control the outcome of my life and my desire to have it all planned out, my hurt and anger at my ex for all the pain he caused us, my anger at God for not giving me the life I thought I so desperately wanted, and my own expectations of who I should be.
I’m still working on letting go of some other things. The biggest one being that I’m not enough just the way I am. I still sometimes struggle with the idea that I can be loved for being me. My head will tell me, “If only you were….” or “Why can’t you be more…?” I do know this stems from not feeling comfortable being myself in my marriage because I was never good enough, but I still struggle with getting the thoughts out of my head. I wholeheartedly believe that everyone deserves to be loved for who they are and not who someone wants them to be, and I am very comfortable being myself now, so at least I’ve learned that. But when those thoughts that I’m not good enough creep in, then I overthink and overanalyze my situation trying to figure out if I’m even good enough to be loved. It’s a work in progress.
I’ve gained many more things over the past year- new friends who see me and love me for who I am, old friends that have accepted me just the way I am, a relationship that allowed me to feel again and be comfortable being me and showed me honesty and kindness do exist (and then I had to let it go, but I gained so much), new insight into who I am and who God made me to be, my house finally became a home and safe haven for me, my boys smile more and truly enjoy their lives, my family supports and loves me through every crazy decision I make, I have a wonderful small group that has my back, my physical and mental health is better, I have a new job that I love and coworkers that I love being around, and I realized my God had never left me like I thought He did. He’s always been there.
So, as I head into a new season, I am so very thankful for everything this last season has taught me. I am very much looking forward to whatever it is God has planned for me and my family. The holidays will be so hard this first year without my mom, but last year I went through them with no hope and this year my heart is full of hope. So, while she is my hardest loss this past year, I stand fast in the knowledge that if she were here, she would be incredibly proud of who I am today and who I am becoming. I know this new season will be better than the last because I plan on living it and not just surviving it!