Goodness of God

I sang this song at my mom’s funeral. It took me a while to really understand the words to this song. I know that my mom believed God was good through everything that happened, but I had doubts for a few years. How could any of the things I went through ever be made good? How could a good God allow those things to happen to me? My mom’s first marriage was very similar to my own, yet she still believed. I have come to realize that going through those awful times is exactly why she believed. Those times are now why I believe. 

I felt so alone for the first couple years after my ex’s affair. I lost friends, some that I thought were true, lifelong friends. I lost the man I trusted, and he was replaced with someone I didn’t know, someone I had never known. I lost my ability to feel love, I lost my faith, I lost who I was. There was no way that a God who loved me would allow me to have so much pain and despair. But, He did. He let me wallow in it, He let me keep it all inside, and He let me feel it all. Not because He didn’t love me, but because He knew I would need it later to truly understand how good He is. He let me sink to the very bottom, I sunk to a greater depth than I could get out of on my own. All so that He could show me what He desires for me, what He has planned for me. 

If I had not gone through the pain, the abuse, the control, the hurt, the thoughts that I didn’t want to live another day, then I never would have seen God reach down and pick me back up. I truly thought I could control my world on my own, but He showed me I can’t. There’s a saying that God will never give you more than you can handle. That saying is a lie. I had way more than I could handle, but God didn’t give me more than HE could handle. He didn’t need me to find Him or have more faith in Him, He came to me, where I was, with the tiny little bit of faith I had, and He picked me up, brushed me off, and told me I wasn’t alone. 

He sent true, lifelong friends who love me dearly. The friends who had stayed, He showed me how much they had always cared. He reconnected me with family I hadn’t seen in a long time. He gave me the support system I didn’t think I had. I lost my mom earlier this year, but He blessed us with an end to a suffering we didn’t even realize she had and gave us all peace knowing she is now whole and well. 

The past twelve months have been the hardest of my life, but also the best. I lost so much, but gained so much more. I know the truth and am no longer living in a lie, I know what true friendship looks like, I know love, and I know who I am and whose I am. While I still struggle with doubts and fears when dealing with people, I don’t struggle with doubts and fears with God. He has proven His love for me. He didn’t have to, but He did, over and over again. 

“I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never fails me
All my days, I’ve been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

All my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
In the darkest night
You are close like no other
I’ve known You as a Father
I’ve known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God

All my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God

‘Cause Your goodness is running after
It’s running after me
Your goodness is running after
It’s running after me
With my life laid down
I’m surrendered now
I give You everything
‘Cause Your goodness is running after
It’s running after me 

‘Cause all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I’m gonna sing of the goodness of God
Oh, I’m gonna sing of the goodness of God”