Vent

I have been feeling overwhelmed with stress lately. It seems like the very someone who had once promised to take care of me forever is working hard to repeatedly hurt me instead. Then yesterday, I had someone remind me that he is my ex and that alone should bring me less stress! I am letting him stress me out when I should be relishing in the fact that he’s my ex and not my present. The very fact that he’s my ex makes my life better than it was just seven months ago. So, I’m going to vent a bit, but keep in mind, I’m seeing the light at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel.

It has hit me hard lately. How in the world was I married to that man for so long? He really does not seem to care who he hurts as long as it benefits him right now. He thinks nothing of the future, the consequences, or the effects his actions have on others. He thinks only of himself, right now, today. How he can get what he wants today. How he can survive today. Tomorrow doesn’t matter, next month doesn’t matter, five years from now doesn’t matter. What’s worse is people don’t matter, either. It is literally only what benefits him and if it hurts anyone else, that’s their problem to deal with.

I knew when I asked him to move out and then filed for divorce, he would either see what all he was losing and work to change or just get with the first woman to pay attention to him. I hoped it would be the former, but true to his character of doing whatever is easiest, it was the latter. He can’t stand being lonely, so he fixed it in the easiest way possible. He can’t stand not hearing how great he is, so he found someone he hadn’t yet hurt. Fixing all the problems he’s created is too hard, it’s so much easier to walk away from them and start anew with someone else. Why bother working to become a better man when there’s always someone willing to take you just as you are, someone who doesn’t care who you really are?

So, because he hasn’t worked on himself, he continues along the same path he’s always been on- doing what is easiest in the moment and making sure that his life is nothing but fun, so he doesn’t have to face the truth of what he’s done. He just does what he wants in the moment and it doesn’t matter to him that someone else has to deal with the consequences. He doesn’t face the anger, hurt, and tears his actions cause because that would mean seeing himself for who he truly is. It would mean he would have to change instead of continuing to hide in his ignorance of the damage. This way he can just go on, repeatedly hurting people that he claims to love, and there have been some very hurtful things lately. Maybe not always purposeful, but definitely thoughtless.

That’s what it comes down to, right? Hurting people. It’s ok to hurt people as long as it benefits you? It’s why he’s been through nine jobs in eleven years, getting fired from five of them. It’s why nearly all of his friends are people he’s just recently met. It’s why he doesn’t hang out with people who have known him a long time. He’s alienated the people in his life because he doesn’t care if he hurts them. He only cares about himself and keeping himself from hurting. Whatever he needs to do to ease his pain right now is what he’ll do. It’s such an incredibly selfish way to live. And it has to be a very painful way to live.

So, here’s my word of advice for the selfish assholes out there. If you abused your wife, abused your kids, cheated, lied, deceived, and any number of things assholes do, then walk away without doing anymore harm. When your wife divorces you because you can’t be honest or faithful, let her go. If you refused to get the help you needed to be able to stay, then leave her alone. If she asks you to leave because she can’t deal with anymore hurt, then just go. Just walk away without causing any more pain. Quit making her life difficult. You’ve done enough. She finally got the courage to get out of that crappy relationship; respect that and leave her alone. Quit hurting people who have only shown you love. Quit hurting the same people over and over again. And quit telling them all you love them while you do it.