Mama

I really miss my Mama tonight. I haven’t talked much about her on here because it’s honestly too hard. I wish I could talk to her about everything going on. I wish she was here to hold me while I cry and to be angry with me at everything my boys and I have gone through and are still going through. I know she could give me wise counsel on how to handle this mess. She would know exactly what do and what to say. She went through this with her first husband and had experience and hindsight she could apply to help us all walk through this. 

Things just don’t seem to get any easier. Just when we all think that maybe he is starting to understand the damage he is causing the boys; he does something stupid again. It’s like it just never ends. While most of the boys’ story is theirs to tell, I will say I cannot have compassion for a man who has never since we separated eight months ago, taken his son for even one of his weekends! When he finally decides a week ago that he wants him, he then forgets he even agreed to it for this weekend and goes out of town instead. Of course, once again, I’m the bad guy because I didn’t remind him or confirm the weekend. It’s always someone else’s fault when he screws up, usually mine. He truly does not see how he is choosing himself and his desires repeatedly over them. It’s like he’s completely blind to his mistakes.

I just don’t understand how a father can do this. I’m just exhausted trying to understand it. I no longer have the energy to invest in him and his relationship with the boys. I have tried fighting for this for years! Much longer than just the months since we’ve been divorced. Before his affair, I told him his selfishness and lack of being in their lives were going to alienate them from him. He didn’t do anything about it and just kept living how he wanted. I have stressed to him repeatedly over the years that he was losing them because he wouldn’t get help for the problems he caused in the home. He didn’t work to change that at all. I made sure when I filed for divorce to remind him that he went through his own parent’s divorce when he was a child, and that he should understand how much they would need him to be there for them. It didn’t matter, he still chose to do what he wanted and not what they needed. 

I have worked to get him to understand. I have worked to get the boys to at least talk to him about things. I have worked non-stop trying to salvage a relationship that I’m no longer sure even needs to be there. He forgot. He forgot he agreed to this weekend with his son. He went on a trip instead because he forgot he committed to his son. Sad thing is, they no longer even expect him to choose them. My oldest just shrugged and my youngest said he was disappointed in him and that he feels sorry for him because he doesn’t even realize how wrong he is. My heart breaks for my boys and there’s not a damn thing I can do about their pain.

So, this weekend I really miss my Mama. Her advice, her wise words, her holding me and rubbing my head, her outrage at those hurting her loved ones. But most of all I miss her way of making me feel less tired and weary of everything this world and Satan are throwing at us. I miss her comfort and her ability to make everything feel ok. I guarantee she would know exactly what to say to the man who doesn’t choose his kids and she would have no problem saying it. She was all about love and grace up until the moment someone needed a kick in the ass, and she wasn’t afraid to do that either! I miss her courage and her ability to make me feel strong, too. I miss having her here to have my back. There was no better person to have on your side. I just really miss my mom.