This morning after I dropped off my youngest at school, I had a meltdown. It seems to be happening daily, but today I was determined I would not feel that deep ache in my soul. I was going to pretend it didn’t exist. Then, my garage door wouldn’t close. I messed with the sensors, checked the wiring, and no matter what I couldn’t get it to close. I spent an hour trying everything I could find on Google to fix the problem, all while sobbing that I have been left to deal with all the consequences of my ex’s betrayal. I yelled at God for leaving me alone to deal with everything. I had prayed and prayed for years for a miracle in my marriage and it never came. While he got to leave his responsibilities as a husband and a father, I had to take on everything. The boys’ pain, hurt, and anger all fell on me. Creating a new way of life for me and my boys, both financially and emotionally, fell on me. All the repairs that need done on the house fell on me. And now I had to pay for someone to come fix my garage and honestly, at that point it was too much.
A dear friend called the other day at just the right time to give me some perspective, but I truly didn’t figure it out until this morning while weeping. Her pastor had preached on lament, that deep sorrow and hurt you feel that leads to sobbing and wailing. The kind I have been doing for days now. Her pastor said that not allowing those emotions to be felt and heard leads to denial. So, you either deal with your sorrow or deny it, and the longer you deny it and live in denial, the harder it becomes to find reality. Unbeknownst to me, my wailing and sobbing that I was so ashamed of, is exactly what I should be doing. I should be griping to God for all the pain and hurt, He wants me to tell Him how I feel. When I do this, I’m relying on Him, I’m giving it to Him. It’s ok that I get angry at Him, He can handle it. It keeps me focused on the life I’m actually living, so I don’t try to hide in a fantasy world and pretend like everything is ok. When we walk away from reality so that we don’t have to deal with the truth of who we are, what we have done, and what we are going through, we are taking deliberate steps away from God. By sharing with Him how we feel, we are creating a closeness with Him, that relationship that He so desires with us.
My sobbing is me being real and true and open. Exactly what we all should want in all our relationships- with God, our spouse, our kids, and our friends. If we live in denial of our sin, our hurts, and our brokenness we aren’t just walking away from God, we’re walking away from ALL honest relationships. That denial, that fantasy world we create that tells us the choices we make are ok, leads to nothing but superficial relationships, selfishness, and the loss of those who were real to you. That’s much too high a price to pay in this short life we have.
The garage magically started working after I finished yelling at God and sobbing to him in my lament. I guess I did get my miracle today.